Urgh.

I hate that early morning nauseous feeling you get when you wake up and you haven't had enough sleep, because the only thing you can do for it is go back to sleep and sometimes that's just not possible.

I Wrote This For You: The Trees Grow Quietly

Blog: I Wrote This For You
Post: The Trees Grow Quietly
Link: http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/2012/06/trees-grow-quietly.html

The things you struggle with today are things you choose to struggle with.  

             Because you believe that what you want to accomplish, is worth struggling for.

No.

Every single atom of my existence is screaming out for me to just give up now. On the surface it's just a little math homework. But that week's work of overdue assignments speaks of a week struggling to move, fighting just to breathe and not having enough energy left over to even put one foot in front of the other. It's just a little but of homework now, but it represents the never ending struggle to live. There will be more assignments on Monday, and on Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday and it just keeps going and going and going and it never stops. I mean, yeah, this class is over at the end of July, but then fall classes start in August and I get to do it all over again, but with more than one class at a time. Sometimes I watch a really good episode and all I can think is "Damn, what I wouldn't give to have been on set for that" and it makes me want to keep going, or I see everyone's happy graduation photos and I think how amazing it would be to finally have a degree in something, anything. But usually, usually I'm just tired. Sure, if I can make it it will all be worth it, but when have I ever had any indication that success was possible for me? A possibility? Yeah. Possible? No. It just goes on and on and it never stops and I'm just tired. I'm tired of wanting and dreaming and hoping and I just want to stop now. I just want to stop.

Copper

Just saw a preview for Copper on BBC America.

"You can start talking, *cocks gun* or you can start praying."

I think I'm going to like this show.

Really? Really??

If you're going Out the In door, do not get frustrated with us for bumping into you when we go In the In door.

Being sick.

Sucks. Really, really, sucks. Going to work when your nose is doing a wonderful impersonation of a snot fountain and your head is vehemently professing its desire to join a percussion symphony? So much fun.

The cure

"The cure for every ache is a nice, hot bubble bath."
"Even heartache?"
"Especially heartache."

Proof

This morning was just more proof that the universe does not want me to be on time for anywhere and leaving early is dangerous to my health. I got up and ready with 10 minutes to spare, went to walk out the door and my mom stopped me because my pants were splitting. Hadn't split yet, but the fabric was stretched so thin in one spot that you could see my underwear. (That's what I get for buying things off the clearance rack >.<) So I had to rush back inside and navigate the obstacle course that is the room in the morning, find new pants, wait for granny to get out of the bathroom, change, explain the situation to the g-parents (cause they get offended if we don't answer them or don't explain in full) and rush back out the door. Thanks to the Universe, I had to zoom to work faster than is safe and started my morning super stressed. Clocked in 1 minute late, which doesn't seem like a lot but, as I learned from Disney, is more than enough to send your career downhill. I'd love to be on time. Hell, I'd love to be early for everything, if I could! But every time, and I mean EVERY. TIME. I try to be early, something bad happens. My pants split or my car dies or I witness a traffic accident or I get a ticket. It's easier on everyone if we just bend to the inevitable will of the universe and accept that I'm going to be late for everything, always. Forewarned is forearmed anyway, eh?

Because I'm a bad daughter

I decided to be a nice daughter and turn my fan off last night since mom was complaining about the noise it makes. Woke up late with a heavy chest, trouble breathing, and severe congestion. I really need to learn to be a bit more selfish before I kill myself >.<

The biggest problem with...

...getting Gay Marriage legalized is that religion keeps getting in the way. If the government is more concerned about pacifying religious forces than about basic freedom and rights, then the solution is simple. Found a religion that has Gay Marriage at the core belief. Ta-da! Problem solved. The government will have to approve gay marriage or risk offending a religious community. And we all know how much they hate to do that.

Horoscope 5/29/12

Catching up on Glee...

.... and every other commercial begins, "You know what's exciting? Graduation."

No, actually, I don't know. Thanks for hammering home the fact that I've completely failed at the one thing in my life I considered really important.

YMCWhat?

I signed up for a membership at the Y today. Walking through the building I was all, 'Yeah, this is gonna be awesome, let's do this!'. By the time I got home after work I was more like, 'Uunngh,......no.' I better find some motivation pronto, or that's $200 down the drain that I really should have used on something else >.<

Horoscope 5/8/12

I should really get this tattooed. On my forehead. It could act as a warning label for what you're about to get yourself into if you try to talk to me.

Horoscope 5/7/12

Ill with wanting...

All I want right now is a kiss. I remember exactly when my last kiss was and it wasn't a very happy moment. All I want, all I can think about, is finding someone that wants to kiss me so much they just do, and damn the consequences. All I want is to be wanted. :/

Awake...

Whoever you are, we better be having one hell of an adventure.

2 am

I need to remember this.

Found it :)

I want.

I want and I want and I want and I want and I want and I can't figure out exactly what it is I'm so desperately wanting.

The closest, I think, is someone. 

I want someone that makes me stop wanting. I

 want someone that makes me feel wanted. 

I want someone that desperately wants me as much as I want them.

For the first time

Today I wondered what it would be like to commit suicide. (Before you freak I didn't actually think about doing it, just what it would be like.) I was crawling around on the floor of the shed trying to find a bottle cap my grandfather had dropped, and I reached behind the shelves and almost cut myself on a huge, jagged piece of glass that had fallen behind it. There was one small moment where I paused and realized how easy it would be. I had the perfect excuse - how was I supposed to know a massive piece of glass was back there? All I'd need to do is shove my hand back there and my wrist would be sliced open like soft butter with a steak knife. Obviously the shock would hold me immobile for a few minutes, and knowing me I'd probably be morbidly fascinated by the blood rushing out, but eventually there would be pain and I'd stagger back into the kitchen (no one would hear me if I just cried out) and everyone would freak out and knowing my family they'd probably try to drive to the the ER themselves after saran-wrapping my arm up. Maybe I'd make it, maybe I'd have waited too long, doesn't matter. Either I died and didn't have to deal with all this anymore, or I live and they remember that they could loose me at any moment, maybe from an asthma attack, maybe just from doing my grandfather a favor.

I didn't, obviously. I carefully picked up the glass and put it in the bin, finished my search, and went back inside to listen to the grown-ups talk about how mom can't do anything with her life because I'm too dependent on her. I'm not worried that I had these thoughts. What worries me is, hours later, wishing I hadn't thrown the glass away, just in case.

Is it sad...

that I dream about that?

Yet another night

Sitting around like normal while my mind is screaming things like "NONONONONOICAN'TANYMORENOPLEASEGODNO" and trying not to let it show on my face. I thought the medicine was supposed to make me feel better, not give voice when I feel worse. :/

Have you ever...

...written something in your head, something beautiful and eloquent and perfectly worded, while you were driving or in the shower or at the park, and you think about it all the way home so that you won't forget it, and you're so excited about it and you're sure that it will be so amazing that some journalist is going to accidentally find it and think it's brilliant and want to publish it in a world-famous magazine and the entire planet will see how smart and funny and amazing you are, and when you get home you can't even remember what the subject was, much less the eloquent speech you were going to dazzle the world with?

Yeah. Just did that.

A different kind of death.

My creativity is currently stagnant. I don't like the feelings this causes, feeling like I'm stale pond water, begging for evaporation.

Food for thought:

I wonder if creating the universe was just God's way of saying "FIRST"...