Not this.

This was supposed to be a place for me to figure out what I want in life, not moan about what's going on. This was supposed to help me share my triumphs, not my failures. This was supposed to help me have a positive voice, not give me a place to silently scream. I have lost track of the meaning. That doesn't mean it's any less real.

Imagine your mother, the woman that gave birth to you, raised you, that woman you would do anything just to make proud of you, looking you straight in the eyes and telling you she knew you didn't love her. And then imagine her telling you that every single day, in her actions and her attitude and sometimes even in words. And no matter what you do that's what she truly believes. Could you stand it? Cause every time my heart feels like it's being sliced with a razor dipped in lemon juice, and I don't know how much longer I can bleed. And all I want is a hug from my mommy, but she's the one cutting me into pieces. I've held on for years, but eventually I'm going to bleed out. It won't be long now.

You wish.

I am the strongest fucking person in the world.
Atlas ain't got nothing on me.
The weight of your words will crush my soul,
But I'm still standing tall
And I'll make it through it all.
Watch me.

Day 2...

... of my new job at the Biltmore. Yesterday was so dull I wanted to cry. Orientation was like a day back in high school - don't make eye contact with the teacher, going around the room & reading out of the book, & dull educational videos. Bleh. This big, beautiful house full if history (actual history! in America!) & that was the best they could do? Oh well. I'm probably just a business snob (never thought I'd have that descriptor...), not everyone can live up to Disney standards.
Anywho, today! Todaytodaytodaytodaytoday! Going to the Biltmore! (Sitting in the ticket center parking lot right now!) I've never actually seen the house before. When I came for my interview all I saw was the drive up to the tickets building (which is stunning, don't get me wrong) but not the house. We get to spend the day like a guest, so, should be interesting!

Meant to send this yesterday...

#Tell me about it.

I need to remember this...

Wait a tic...

How does The Master know about Rose? At the end of Season 3 when he's taunting the Doctor about Martha, he references Rose. "You used to travel with companions that could absorb the time vortex." I don't think there were any other companions that could do that, and I highly doubt they spent the year-that-never-was doing your typical 'what's been happening since I last saw you' chat. He might have found out about Rose from Martha, but that's the only person he didn't have locked up, and I doubt she knew about Rose absorbing the vortex. Maybe from Jack, but I doubt torture would have been very effective on him. Maybe the psychic time-lord connection? I bet the Doctor's thoughts are always under control (considering he kept his big plan a secret, and I'm sure the Master went snooping) but maybe his dreams?


Traffic jams leave me with way too much time to think....

Progress, except not.

So much for my 'super-awesome-plan-of-motivation-and-success'. I have two interviews tomorrow for jobs, one at the Biltmore, one at Cracker Barrel. Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum, right? Mom left the house for a bit to go shopping (with all that money that we don't have) and I took that as an opportunity to relax. I made the mistake of turning on Skyrim and that was it, there went my day. I ran all the way from Whiterun to Dawnstar & now I'm stuck in this dungeon. Oh well. I should probably be getting ready to go to bed, but mom is in the bedroom clacking away at the keyboard in an aggravated manner. I'm not sure who she's aggravated with, but it's probably me, so I'm hiding out in the living room, reading some of the career finding book I got from the library and writing this. I just wish things would speed up a little. I've got my elaborate goals and bigger than my body dreams, now I just need to get this steam train rolling.

Tumblr is addicting...

I have things I really should have done instead, but I just spent the last two (or three...) hours on tumblr finding more tags to follow... My tumblr is now a melting pot of Doctor Who, Merlin, Community, Harry Potter, crafty things, and quotes, with the occasional random reblog to mix things up.

For someone that really doesn't watch a lot of tv, I sure do spend a lot of time thinking about tv shows...  =)

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/stubbornstar42

Wasting away.

IWTFY: "The Light From Frozen Graves"

"But I just want to stop feeling."

"As far as I can tell, there's only one way to stop feeling and that's to die."

"That seems a bit drastic."

"It is drastic. Perhaps the most drastic thing there is. There are other ways to kill feelings, like drinking a lot or working hard, constantly, pushing those around you as far away as possible until there's no way for you to reach out to them but ultimately, the only way to completely stop feeling, forever, is to die."

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

"Good. You'll be a better person for it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that the most interesting, amazing people I've ever met, the ones who influenced and shaped the universe itself, are the ones that felt too much but lived through it."

"That sounds hard."

"It is. It involves living."

"Every step that you take

Could be your biggest mistake 

It could bend or it could break

That's the risk that you take."

Today was a total waste of oxygen.

Nothing happened, nothing got done, it might as well have not even happened at all. Blah.