Sitting in Denny's using the internet trying to find a place to live and listening to a very loud lady talk about how this is the second winter she's spent living on the streets and how hard it is to find a job. Part of me wants to confront her about her obvious grab for attention, but most of me is just overwhelmed by gratitude because I know that, without my truly wonderful friends, I might be that lady. Yes, some days I sink back down into depression, overwhelmed by the day to day struggle of trying to keep my head above water. It's hard not to when so much is weighing me down. I am lucky enough to have three jobs, (one I even like!) but I am in danger of loosing all of them for three different reasons. There's a lot of daily pressure at work to be better than I am and I don't think anyone realizes just how much energy I spend trying to act like breathing isn't a struggle. I am constantly battling the sheer physical exhaustion of just trying to inhale and exhale. Knowing the roof over my head is dependent on the generosity of someone that has no familial obligation to keep me safe is highly stressful and creates an absurd amount of anxiety. I have creditors chasing me down about the school loans I took out for the degree I didn't get to finish because of an illness I can't control. I make too much money to receive assistance but not enough money to pay all my bills. It's been a long time since I was able to pay for food without thinking about the bill I won't be able to pay, and vice versa. I have all this paperwork I'm supposed to be doing that's incredibly time sensitive and may help me, but there just doesn't seem to be any time to get it done. I feel reduced to Cinderella - spending my days cleaning up after everyone else, forced to watch others do foolish things with their freedom and wishing I could just go to the damn ball already. The universe is my drill sergeant and I have to climb the tree, but I'm a fish. This is where I got lucky, because my friends are monkeys, and they are carrying me to the top. Are they weird? Indubitably. But no matter how difficult my days get I know that they have my back. They'll probably spend more time trying to figure out what kind of monkey they are than being upset that I compared them to monkeys in the first place. In my darkest days they are my light (corny, but true) - every one of them a beacon guiding me to shore. Without them I would drown. Without them, I would be lost. Without them, I might be a crazy lady wearing a backwards sweater and hiding from the elements in a 24 hour diner.
Thank you guys for saving me every day.
