When you're looking forward to an enjoyable lunch break with a friend and you end up sitting in awkward silence because the annoying coworker nobody likes sits with y'all and you know if you say anything, anything at all, that they'll take that as an invitation to start talking and then NEVER STOP. >.<

Corn is expensive but corny is free.

Sitting in Denny's using the internet trying to find a place to live and listening to a very loud lady talk about how this is the second winter she's spent living on the streets and how hard it is to find a job. Part of me wants to confront her about her obvious grab for attention, but most of me is just overwhelmed by gratitude because I know that, without my truly wonderful friends, I might be that lady. Yes, some days I sink back down into depression, overwhelmed by the day to day struggle of trying to keep my head above water. It's hard not to when so much is weighing me down. I am lucky enough to have three jobs, (one I even like!) but I am in danger of loosing all of them for three different reasons. There's a lot of daily pressure at work to be better than I am and I don't think anyone realizes just how much energy I spend trying to act like breathing isn't a struggle. I am constantly battling the sheer physical exhaustion of just trying to inhale and exhale. Knowing the roof over my head is dependent on the generosity of someone that has no familial obligation to keep me safe is highly stressful and creates an absurd amount of anxiety. I have creditors chasing me down about the school loans I took out for the degree I didn't get to finish because of an illness I can't control. I make too much money to receive assistance but not enough money to pay all my bills. It's been a long time since I was able to pay for food without thinking about the bill I won't be able to pay, and vice versa. I have all this paperwork I'm supposed to be doing that's incredibly time sensitive and may help me, but there just doesn't seem to be any time to get it done. I feel reduced to Cinderella - spending my days cleaning up after everyone else, forced to watch others do foolish things with their freedom and wishing I could just go to the damn ball already. The universe is my drill sergeant and I have to climb the tree, but I'm a fish. This is where I got lucky, because my friends are monkeys, and they are carrying me to the top.  Are they weird? Indubitably. But no matter how difficult my days get I know that they have my back. They'll probably spend more time trying to figure out what kind of monkey they are than being upset that I compared them to monkeys in the first place. In my darkest days they are my light (corny, but true) - every one of them a beacon guiding me to shore. Without them I would drown. Without them, I would be lost. Without them, I might be a crazy lady wearing a backwards sweater and hiding from the elements in a 24 hour diner.

Thank you guys for saving me every day.

Adrift

I feel like I'm drifting. I keep reaching out to grasp the branch of stability but the waves of sickness and time keep beating me back out into the ocean of financial hardship. I could give up and swim back to the island, but the island is a dark prison fortress from which I barely escaped the first time. I would honestly rather drown than choose that fate.

Be gentle, if you please

Cause your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth babe, and it makes me wanna make you near me always.

I'd love to know just what you're thinkin'

Every little river, runnin' through your mind

You give and you take

You come and you go

You leave me here wonderin' if I'll ever know

How much you care or how much you don't

Whatever you need, whatever you want

I hate feeling emotionally needy.

Now I'm dreaming, will I ever find you now?

I walk in circles but I'll never figure out,

What I mean to you; Do I belong?

I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong.

Sing for me, K.D.

"The Consequences Of Falling"

Are you breathing 

What I'm breathing 

Are your wishes 

The same as mine 

Are you needing 

What I'm needing 

I'm waiting for a sign 

My hands tremble 

My heart aches 

Is it you calling 

Is it you calling

If I'm alone in this 

I don't think I can face 

The consequences of falling 

Are you thinking 

What I'm thinking 

Does your pulse 

Quicken like mine 

Are you dreaming 

What I'm dreaming 

I can't read your mind 

One step towards you 

Two steps back 

Feels like I'm crawling 

Feels like I'm crawling

If I'm alone in this 

I don't think I can face 

The consequences of falling

At my weakest I am stronger than you.

What mom says.

Now it's that I'll never be able to get a place to live because no one will rent to me because I've messed up my credit with all these bills I'm behind on and if I'd just let her help by letting her go through all of my papers and organize everything so I can do things on her schedule then everything would be fine and my life would be better. Obviously.

Story of my life:

I stay because... #1

When I am sick he makes me tea.

But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. 

You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. 

Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,

Do you have to let it linger? 

Only myself to blame

The most painful thing I've ever done is watch the man I might love, love someone else.

Much Ado About Nothing

One of my favorite Shakespeare plays anyway, it was further endeared to me when I saw the version starring David Tennant and Catherine Tate and Whedon's version pretty much cemented its place at the top of the list.